Stan's Footlong
by Washbrained
Summary: Cartman and Kenny overhear Kyle and Stan doing something very sexually disturbing in the kitchen...


**H.: **Just a quick little StanxKyle...sort of.

Disclaimer: I do not own South Park. You're just speechless with shock now, aren't you?

* * *

"Ay, hurry up, Kenneh!" Cartman shouted as he trudged towards Stan's house. "I'm freezing mah balls off out here!"

"Meymph, mph molph moomph!" (Hey, I'm cold too!)

"That's because you're a poor piece of shit, Kenneh. Deal with it."

Kenny scowled inside the hood of his orange parka."Mimph malph maph matph, mouph moudph meph miph," (With all that fat, you should be fine) he muttered indignantly.

"What did you say, Kenneh?"

"Mophingph!" (Nothing!)

"That's what I thought. Now come on! Stan's house is right there."

They dragged their sleeping bags to the dimly lit house, ready for the sleepover they had invited themselves to, much to Stan's irritation. Throwing the door open and strolling in, they tossed their bags on the couch and made their way to the kitchen.

"Stan better have ordered a pizza or something--I'm starving!" Cartman complained, the rumbling of Kenny's stomach proving his agreement. "I wonder if he has--"

He stopped suddenly, leaning his ear against the kitchen door with a confused frown.

"Maph misph mitph?" (What is it?) Kenny inquired curiously.

"Shut up, Kenneh! I hear Stan and Kahl. They're...doing something."

His interest spiked, Kenny placed his ear against the door as well. He heard some shuffling, and an excited exclamation from Kyle.

"Woah, dude! It's so big!" Some more shuffling. "It's hard, too."

"Don't touch it," came Stan's voice. "That white stuff might spill out."

Kenny and Cartman stared at each other. Cartman's expression was one of horrified disgust, while Kenny's eyes held a hungry, aroused look.

"Sorry, Stan," came Kyle's voice again, "But it just looks so delicious, all hard and juicy."

"You'll have to wait until tonight. I still have to get it ready, so open that up for me."

"Are you wearing protection?"

"No."

"Stan, that could be dangerous! Has Health class taught you nothing? Here, put this glove on, at least."

"It's too small."

"Oh well, you're protected. Now you can stick it in."

There was some grunting, and a loud slamming sound.

"Jesus, Stan! Don't push so hard!"

"I can't get it in all the way!"

"Then take it out!"

More grunting, and then a squelching sound.

"Crap! It's leaking!"

"Hey, watch where you're swinging that thing, Stan! You're getting me all wet!"

"It's too slippery; I can't get a hold on it!"

"Here, let me try."

"Careful, Kyle. Don't squeeze it too hard."

Some shuffling proceeded, and then a sick squelch resounded.

"Ow! Dude! It squirted in my eye!"

"I told you not to squeeze it too hard."

"Ugh, it's sticky! It won't come out!"

"Here, wipe it with this."

"That's wet and sticky, too!"

"Everything's wet, Kyle! It sprayed all over the place!"

"Fine, give it to me, then. Do you have it under control yet?"

"Not quite. Stand still for a minute, I'm gonna try to shoot it in."

There was a pause.

"Hurry up, already, Stan!"

"Hold on...okay, here I come!"

"Be careful--"

"I'm coming! I'm coming!"

There was a loud bang and a whoop of success.

"Alright, I got it in!"

"Woah, Stan! I felt that! Where did you learn to do that?"

"A...certain sport."

"Damn. You should try that again sometime."

"Whenever you want, Kyle."

Another pause, and then a dreamy sigh.

"That thing is _huge_, Stan. It's got to be the biggest one I've ever seen! I'm not sure I'll be able to fit the whole thing in my mouth."

"I'm sure you'll manage."

Another dreamy sigh.

"How long do you think it is?"

"That's got to be about twelve inches. It's a footlong. _My _footlong."

Kyle hummed suggestively.

"It'll be my footlong soon..."

Unable to handle much more, Cartman hurled the kitchen door open with a wild scream, Kenny close behind, eager and excited.

"Alright, Stan, you little fag! Pull your pants up and step away from the sticky...Jew?"

Cartman stared at the sight before him. The kitchen was splattered with mayonnaise. Stan, who was wearing an oven glove, and Kyle, who had mayonnaise smeared around his eye, were kneeling in front of a small microwave oven, its door splattered with remnants of tomato and cheese, as if someone had struggled to shove something through it. And inside the microwave, twirling on the heated plate, lay an enormous Subway footlong sandwich.

"Cartman? Kenny? What're you doing here?" asked Stan, stopping the microwave and taking the sandwich out. Cartman spluttered in shock, while Kenny only cursed the loss of free gay porn. Suddenly, without any warning, Kyle leaned over and stole a bite of the huge sandwich.

"Dude!" scolded Stan, "You bit my footlong!"

Cartman gaped at the mangled remains of the bitten sandwich, and promptly shuddered to the floor. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stared at his passed out form.

"Damn it," Kyle cursed. "I was hoping he'd help me fit this footlong in my mouth."


End file.
